From the time I was born up until age three my Father was an active Cocaine user. I can remember times when he would speed for days and wouldn't sleep, and talk to walls like there was someone standing there instead of it actually being a wall. Truth be told he was mean to my Mother and myself. After my Father stopped using cocaine and the birth of my Brother, both of my parents started actively using and became addicted to opiates. The meaner my father was to my Mother the more she would use. This cycle continued for a few years, I hid the fact that my parents were addicts from my friends, and some family even though my family already knew they were using anyway.
Social Services was called on my parent's numerous times, but the attempts that people made to take my brother and I from our parent's failed. Each time social workers would come see my brother and I at school they always got the same answers from both of us, and the investigation conducted always ended with the same conclusion, my parents weren't unfit. Even though my parent's were active opiate users my brother and I always came FIRST over their habit, In 2008 my Father lost his battle with addiction and passed away. My brother was laying in his arms when Mom and I found him. My brother was the tender age of 4 and I was 12. I didn't go to school for two weeks after my father passed away, truth be told I didn't even want to finish school I either wanted to do homeschool or drop out, but I knew that was NEVER going to be an option. After my father's death my Mother's drug use sort of spiraled out of control. Social Services was still called multiple times, my Grandparent's even got awarded emergency custody and then my Mother got re-awarded custody. The fight between my Grandparents and my Mother for custody of my Brother and I continued until finally my mother went to jail for a whole year and my Grandparents got awarded full custody of my Brother and I. While my Mother was in lock-up for a whole year she decided she was tired of the addict lifestyle and tired off hurting her children, and decided to get sober. My Mother now has 11 years in recovery under her belt and I am so thankful that she chose to get sober for my Brother and I. I have no idea in the world what I would do without her. I love her more than words could ever express. I hope someday to be as strong as she is. I have struggled with my mental illness for as long as I can recall. I've always felt sort of out of step in my life. The point in between being normal and having a disability. I sometimes catch myself feeling as though I don't necessarily fit into the disabled community, but I don't always fit into the able-bodied community that I am surrounded by either. Feeling this way has always caused some anxiety and depression. It is normal for those of us who have and deal with Cerebral Palsy to experience these type of feelings and emotions on a daily basis, but more than that the BIGGEST PART of my mental illness diagnosis is passed down from my father and is caused by his verbal and physical abuse over the years to both myself and my mother.
Growing up in a household with a father who suffered from Bipolar I disorder was tough. My father chose to neglect his mental illness and not treat it, which in turn caused a lot of rage, anger, and manic episodes. The manic episodes would sometimes last for days and even weeks. During this period is when my mother and I were victims of both physical and mental abuse, My father also suffered from a substance abuse problem, and was addicted to both cocaine and opiates. He suffered from an accidental overdose in 2008, which took a toll on myself mentally. After my fathers death I have experienced more severe symptoms of anxiety, depression and fits of rage as well as instant mood swings. I am a suicide attempt survivor. I have tried to commit suicide twice and was unsuccessful in doing so. Thank you, Lord that I am still here. I was hospitalized for my mental health issues and instant fits of crying rage three times, before I received the proper medical diagnosis. I was diagnosed with severe Bipolar I disorder with mania episodes also linked to my Cerebral Palsy. Unlike my father I treat my mental illness every single day to ensure that I prevent myself from having a severe mania episode. I feel as though Mental Illnesses are something not spoken of or brought awareness to often, depression and anxiety are a real thing, bipolar and mania episodes are a real thing and a real struggle. Having suicidal thoughts is a real thing. if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or domestic violence please reach out to someone who can help. REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO SUFFER IN SILENCE EVERY SINGLE DAY!! THERE IS HELP FOR YOU IF YOU NEED IT!! Growing up school is suppose to be one of the greatest experiences of a child's life. They are suppose to have fun, learn new things, make new friends and overall school is suppose to help shape them into the person they want to become in the future. For me school was the complete opposite of what it was suppose to be.
Now even though I was in a regular classroom and had wonderful grades, and the teachers never had a problem out of me, I was still considered the teachers 'pet.' I had tons of friends or so I thought. Almost every kid looked forward to Friday, because my house was the new hot hangout spot, but then there were kids who would act friendly to my face and be a total bad word behind my back. I have been called some of the cruelest names you could probably ever think of, because of my Cerebral Palsy. I dealt with an enormous amount of bullying from my peers, and I can still vividly remember coming home and getting in the shower before bed, and school the next morning crying so hard I couldn't breathe asking myself why I couldn't just be normal like every other child. Even though I dealt with this mass amount of bullying that continued until I exited high school, God also led me to my best friend Marissa. Marissa and I have been best friends since we were three-nagers, you know that stage where you act like you're a teenager, but you were only three? That's been us since I can remember. We met in Pre-K, she has been one of the only people not afraid of me and never saw a difference between her and I, even though I may have a few physical challenges. Instead of asking me the typical question I always got "What happened to your legs?' She just sat down beside of me and said "Hey, I'm Marissa, can I sit with you?" From that moment forward I knew I had made a best friend for life. To this day Marissa and I still call each other a million plus times a day and talk about anything and everything. Nine times out of ten if you see one of us, you will more than likely see the other one. As if I didn't already have it hard enough dealing with all of the bullying from all of my peers, except for my best friend and a few other friends, my school life was about to get a whole lot harder, even if I didn't know it just yet. When I was in Kindergarten getting ready to go into the First Grade, the principal at the time wanted me to switch schools, because both the school and the Floyd County, KY. Board of Education did not want to make the school handicapped accessible for me or any other handicapped child. They pulled myself and my parents to the side, and told us that we needed to schedule a meeting with my teachers, my para-educator aides, and the principal of the school in the principal's office. For the good kid who tried her hardest not to get in trouble at school, because she knew she'd get in trouble at home if she did, you can imagine how scary going to the principals office was for me. My parents and I both sat across from the principal as she called in my teachers one by one, once everyone was there who needed to be, she said the most disturbing words I've ever heard. "We think it is best that Hayley transfer to Clark Elementary School, given her physical disability, Clark is more suited to her needs since they do not have stairs inside the building." I can remember hearing the words fall from her mouth and I just sat there for a minute shell-shocked, how can this woman the head leader of a school institution, who is suppose to have every students best interest at heart be so discrimitive toward me? I remember looking at her and saying "excuse me, what? If you think that I am moving schools and leaving my friends that I have made here behind, you are crazy." My parents said some not so nice things to her that I won't repeat, but they did tell her they would see her in a courtroom. Trust me when I say still to this day this woman probably remembers all of the nasty words that were said to her that day, and it's probably a day she will never forget for as long as she lives. The next time I had to go in with my parents for a parent teacher conference to discuss both my grades and the school accessibility issue, my father took a tape recorder and asked the principal "Do you mind if I record this conversation for my lawyer?' She just looked at my father with the most shocked look I've ever seen. She didn't think my father meant what he said when he told her he would see her in court, but she didn't know about a week or so later they found a lawyer in Lexington, KY. We were determined to fight the school and leave them no choice, but to make the school facility handicapped accessible. We did just exactly that. The meeting ended up being recorded. They discussed my grades and tried to argue my parents on the accessibility issue as to why they were right and my parents were wrong. After a back and forth battle in the meetings, my mom having to pack me to my upstairs classes, because the aides said it wasn't in their job description to carry me and they were afraid of hurting their backs, me not being able to go outside and having to sit inside during recess and watch the other kids play on the playground, more meetings with the lawyers, the case was finally won! I got to stay at my school and they were forced to make the playground handicapped accessible for me and my other best friend CJ with Cerebral Palsy, and they had to get accessible equipment to climb the stairs inside so I could go to all of my classes. They surely hated that we won the case. The courts called it purely discrimination and nothing more, and each child should be treated equally and have an equal opportunity to get a proper education and have play-time. Even today each school in Floyd County, KY. MUST BE handicapped accessible to meet the needs of those with physical challenges and disabilities. Growing up I had a pretty normal childhood, well mostly. As normal as I could for someone with a Cerebral Palsy diagnosis. I started school at the age of three, because I had to have first steps therapy. I'll go into more detail about going to school later, but to understand how I've gotten to this point of where I am now, you'll need to hear about my life outside of school and the activities I enjoyed doing growing up.
Most of my childhood outside of school and the activities I were able to participate in and enjoyed, were spent traveling out of state to doctors, participating in intense physical therapy sessions every day for eight hours a day. I'm going to keep it one-hundred percent honest with you, and tell you that I absolutely HATED IT!!! I bet if you ask the numerous physical therapists and occupational therapists who have worked with me over the years, they all will give you this exact answer "Hayley is not a morning person, she hated to see my face walk through the door. I've had to bribe her with her favorite things, just to get her to do her therapy." One particular memory sticks out to me the most my first steps therapist, Connie Woods would come out to my home for me to have my scheduled weekly therapy session, and I was still in bed snoozing away and I threw an absolute fit, because she woke me up so early. She actually bribed me with Reese's cups to get me to do my therapy, and I remember telling her it better be a big one. I don't think I know of anyone has ever gotten out of bed faster and been more excited for Reese's cups in my life except for me. (Did I mention Reese's cups are my favorite candy?) Connie, if you happen to read this just know that I am sorry for the little prissy hissy-fit I threw at three years old, because I didn't want to get out of bed at 7:00 AM to do my therapy. I promise that I truly am grateful for all you have helped me with throughout the years. I love you. I have traveled to Detroit Michigan and Saint Louis, Missouri to see some of the best physicians in the country, which have all given my parents and I the same exact diagnosis and to tell us that I'd never be able to completely walk on my own without assistance, but that I would need intense physical therapy sessions for the rest of the days God has planned for me on this earth. I have also stayed for weeks at a time in these states for intense physical therapy and occupational therapy as well. I even crossed the border over to what is now one of my favorite countries Canada just to visit, and sight-see for a day and brought home some pretty cool Canadian money. (I'll get to why Canada is now one of my favorite countries, and why I want to visit there again eventually). It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my diagnosis, and I'm still working on it. I am slowly starting to just accept that I am just simply blessed to be here and that it definitely could always be worse. Even though I hated therapy as a child, I can promise you that I'm no longer like that, I'm truly grateful for it, because without it, I'm not sure where I would be. It is because of those long hours spent in therapy and everything the doctors, nurses, physical, and occupational therapists and God himself, have done for me that I am able to sit here and share my story with all of you. To understand why you may find my story inspiring, you must first understand where my story begins. Before I go into detail though I want to start by letting you know that, even though some parts of my story are hard to talk about I have been very blessed and grateful to call this life I live mine.
I'm grateful that God has given me the opportunity to experience these things that make up my story, because through it all, both good and bad it has made me the strong, talented, young woman I believe that I am. Without going through these experiences I'm honestly not sure that I would be the exact woman I am today. Thank you, Lord for this life I live. My story begins in the small town of Prestonsburg, in Eastern, KY. in August of 1996. When I say small town, I mean the town that I grew up in for most of my life, is the kind of town where everyone knows everyone's name and is willing to be there for you and help you anyway that they can. Growing up I lived a pretty normal childhood, well mostly. As normal as I could. I was born three months early so I was premature and very tiny. My mother was the tender age of nineteen when she had me and my father was twenty-three. My birth should have been the happiest day of my parents lives, but it actually turned out to be the scariest day they would probably ever experience in their entire lifetime. During my birth my mother experienced some severe complications, so they had to do an emergency cesarean section, because my heart rate continued to drop. there was fluid gathering around me, which was causing both my heart rate and oxygen levels to drop rapidly. After the cesearean section was performed, I flatlined not one, but three times. the third time I flatlined the doctors told my parents that I was out for a total of fourteen minutes, before they were able to restart my heart, and get me stabilized. It's safe to say that my parents prayer for a miracle were answered. I ended up staying an extended period of time in the nicu unit before I was released and able to come home from the hospital. Seven months later my grandmother discovered that, I was unable to sit up completely on my own like most seven month old babies should be able to do. I was taken to my neonatal peditrician Dr. Mohamad Alnahhas. (if he happens to discover this page, thank you Dr. Mo for everything you have done for me. You are part of the reason I have made it this far, I am so grateful for everything you have done for me and my family). Okay, back on topic his first thought was that, I was late developing the ability to sit up on my own, because it is common for that to happen, until he sat me up on the table and I just fell over. He then realized that in his words "Grandma knows best," so he decided to send me for further testing to figure out the issue. (He knew my diagnosis already, but wanted to be one-hundred percent positive). I was sent for further testing in Lexington, KY. about a two hour drive from my small-town, at University of Kentucky hospital. The test was performed and the results were in I had a positive diagnosis. No one would've expected the heartbreak they would feel next. I was diagnosed with Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy. If you do not know what Cerebral Palsy is, it is a brain injury caused by lack of oxygen to the brain at birth. Simply put, theres a pin sized hole in my brain that prevents the signals from being sent to my legs in order for me to be able to walk on my own. At first before my exact diagnosis of this particular type of Cerebral Palsy, the doctors weren't sure if I'd be able to walk with assistance of a reverse-K walker, or if I'd be able to speak or live a normal life at all. That's when God stepped in and said "Be still my child, I will fight for you." Today at the age of twenty three (the same age my father was when I was born) I am able to talk without speech delay's, walk with assistance of a reverse-K walker, and live and function in society normally. Don't get it twisted though, getting to this point in my life where I am able to do these things as well as I can, certainly hasn't been one of the easiest experiences. I'll go into more detail and touch on how I've made it to this point later, but I am most definitely blessed and most certainly a miracle. Thank you, Lord for saving my life. I am forever and eternally grateful for all you have done, and continue to do for me and my family, |
About the AuthorJust a simple small-town girl with big dreams, with an inspiring story to write and share. Archives
December 2020
CategoriesThe LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. |